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July 2017 - p.8
Many of you have either been successfully reprogramed thanks to the
subliminal messages coming out of your television sets or by continuing to
ignore my warnings on harmful radiation pumping out of your iPhones and
Microwave ovens Nevertheless some of you out there still have a rational
mind and this month I will bravely go through some of the main music news
just so you don't have to waste any more brain cells doing so
Thousands of Accountants Data Analysts Chief
Executive Officers Support Managers and
Somerset Freemasons braved their way
dressed like poor people for five days on a farm
whilst worshipping an altar or stage built to
resemble a masonic Pyramid Heavyweight
bands such as Radiohead and the Foo Fighters
successfully entertained the large yuppie
populated fields and singer songwriter Ed
Sheeran headlined Glasto Sunday armed only
with an acoustic guitar and praying to stay in
tune whilst ironically using a loop pedal which
repeats sounds we've heard before Some
teenage reporters described it as the best
Glastonbury yet; arguably the only thing this
magical festival was missing was a gigantic
wicker man containing actor Nicholas Cage
Suspected satanist Katy Perry did her best to fit
in with the peaceful spirit of Glastonbury by
adorning a scary illuminati eye on her pure gold
outfit Labour leader/loser Jeremy Corbyn also
attended and gave an inspiring speech on the
pyramid stage highlighting the needs of the less
fortunate with a call for unity and peace Some
of the crowd he was addressing however looked
a little confused because he wasn't dressed like
Lucifer or holding a pitchfork
GLASTONBURY 2017
After force feeding Gary Barlow's "Le Tit Shine"
down our throats the BBC decided it was time
to fart out another TV talent contest This time
one based loosely on the predictably bland US
film franchise Pitch Perfect Dependable
professional small talker Mel Giedroyc was
released from her BBC kennel to host the show
accompanied by celebrity judges Gareth
Malone (a sort of lab assistant trapped inside
the body of a posh Thunderbirds puppet) and
Robbie Rotten lookalikeWill Young who can't
even judge his own sexuality without
hesitating Teams of big boned choirs from
around the UK outnumbered the studio
audience and battled against each other like a
tame pantomime version of the London riots in
this unnecessary competition to sing and
perform more complicated acapella versions of
songs that were arguably originally written by
dyslexic songwriters As the series progresses
further we all become worried about the future
of music except for of course the one lucky
choir group who will receive G
if they
win Hopefully it'll encourage them to adopt an
early retirement
News Trash
News Flash
PITCHBATTLE
