Page 7 - RYAN'S GIG GUIDE MAY 2014

these flights. What baffles me is that if there are
that many Bon Jovi clones in the UK then why
do British venues pay them big money so that
they can be flown in? It's not like there's a Jovi
shortage or an 80's throwback drought. Havewe
all gone fucking mad?
Yes, tribute bands can get paid large sums of
money for performing music which they them-
selves didn't write, and with it, automatically
inherit a fanbase. Not convinced? Explain why
there is a One Direction tribute boasting to
tabloids how they earn thousands despite look-
ing bollock-all like the original. Some of the big
bands like KISS don't tour as much as fans would
love them to so it's sweet that some other more
obsessive fans (and that's kinda what these
musicians are) dedicate their music career to
keeping alive the works of established songwrit-
ers or performers; sounds almost noble doesn't
it? Especially if you were trapped in the copycat
KISS and forced to play their songs night after
crazy night for all eternity like a gift from Satan
to complement the Rock n' roll gift that God
gave you.
That awkward moment when you ask a tribute
band to sign your rare album cover sleeve; they
look downwards, cease their insane pretend
American accent and admit that they would
probably considerably devalue the record if they
signed it with their real and totally worthless sig-
nature. Imagine being seen as a mighty rock icon
one moment and then later humiliated by a
deluded hardened fan of your alter ego who
doesn't even care what your own name is. How
low and pathetic must they feel when people are
only prepared to love them for being someone
else? Some argue that becoming a tribute act is
like Clark Kent turning into Superman; in reality
it'd be more like Clark Kent spotting somebody
on fire then running into a phonebooth, coming
out looking a little bit like Superman but wear-
ing a bathroom towel instead of a cape and hav-
ing to explain to the person burning that he has-
n't got any superpowers but they can use his
mobile to call the fire department or he could
use the phonebooth which he just occupied. In
fact it would have made a lot more sense using
the phonebooth to call 911 in the first place.
One great thing about a tribute is that you
can get the satisfaction of seeing a convincing
performance of a band who may no longer
even exist anymore and if it's a copy of an
original band that you totally hated then what
a great opportunity for you it is to vent your
frustration by throwing well aimed eggs or a
full bottle of piss at them as if they were the
real heroes of rock or pop that they pretend to
be that you couldn't stand; they earn more
money playing live than the majority of origi-
nal artists on the gig circuit andarguably quite
rightfully too as a lot of people despised the
music they emulate, just ask Dimebag of the
band Pantera, oh wait a minute you can't
because somebody shot him on stage.
I don't think Tributes are paid enough. There
must be a lot of gun crazy people who hated
The Beatles too so whoever is playing John
Lennon in a tribute band should definitely be
paid more, plus the George Harrison clone
wants a decent cut too as the real one got
stabbed over forty times by someone that
broke into his home a couple of years before
he died. Come to think of it, being in a tribute
band must be like being a sitting duck, I guess
the extortionate fees they demand must be
somewhat of a comfort for them in what
could be their final years on earth. It would be
very sad if someone was to murder a member
of a Beatles tribute band because no one
would know who the fuck they really were.
Their headstone could read "Here lies some-
one who looked a little bit like John Lennon
RIP".