Page 6 - RYAN'S GIG GUIDE APRIL 2014

The four judges on the UK show include KYLIE
MINOGUE, Australia's oldest milf; WILL.I.AM,
a malfunctioning American cyborg from the
future; RICKY WILSON, an English riot fore-
caster who's normally forced to performoral in
the KAISERCHIEFS; and name dropping Welsh
national treasure and Santa lookalike TOM
JONES, each of whom take it in turns deciding
which contestant's career they wish to destroy
by choosing their more attractive nemesis. As
much as it's an improvement in many ways
compared to ITV's cosy Saturday Night
karaoke slaughterhouse it's still painful to
watch. The losing singer in any battle is given
the degrading opportunity afterwards to be
"Stolen" by one of the remaining judges so that
they can still continue to participate in the
show; a bit like watching LUKE SKYWALKER
begging to be taken seriously in a clapping
competition moments after having his right
hand chopped off in the Empire Strikes Back
movie.
Guitar players moan that they aren't repre-
sented at all in these shows; well pretend
there's a new show on TV now called "The
Hands" purely aimed at guitarists and done the
Nick J Townsend is the frontman and
guitarist for British band WEAK13
An experienced Underground musician and
music promoter. Supporter of original music.
...and of course writes his column for you
every month here in Ryan's Gig Guide
@nickJtownsend @weak13
NICKJ TOWNSEND
same way as "The Voice". Imagine you have
original licks and riffs and for arguments sake
let's also say you are the most accurate and
fastest playing guitarist that ever lived. Now
see yourself competing in and doing well in
"The Hands"; get taken under the wing of pro-
fessional mentors, guitar coaches and industry
experts, you express yourself musically within
the parameters of an existing rock composition
chosen byyour mentor ("Smells Like Teenspirit"
by NIRVANA perhaps?); and let's imagine you
win "The Hands" hands down. As a winner you
would receive rapid spotlight, your new fanbase
would have no fucking idea what else you are
capable of so you'd probably get asked to quick-
ly record a version of the songs you played dur-
ing your stint on "The Hands" because the
gormless public that watch the Television show
(may) like it. What shows like "The Voice" and
"X-Farter" do is automatically brand their win-
ners with songs which are bigger than they are;
the song will always be more famous than they
ever will be. Also, if these shows are made in
different countries then there are winners
around the world that we've all heard of right?
Well name them all...good luck.
If you've watched the Battle finals on BBC's "The Voice" and somehow resisted
the urge to spray-fart diarrhoea into the Television screen then you'll have
noticed that the new format involves twelve singers competing in a knockout
contest that takes place in a Tekken-style boxing ring wired up to a powergrid
that rivals the Tron universe.