Ryan's Gig Guide - March 2020

Judges A selection of regional judges are normally recruited to each vote for who they believe deserve to win. It’s generally assumed that they choose a winner based on their astute knowledge of the music industry and their professional opinion but surprisingly, in some cases, they tend to just pick bands who are related to them or ones that they themselves coincidentally are already paid to manage. The PublicVote There is also a secondary competition held throughout all of the stages for a Battle Of The Bands which is the “Who’s got the biggest family contest?” proving that if you invite all your six toed cousins, uncles and in-laws to every heat then your band stands a greater chance of success (just in case it’s not decided on talent alone). Crowd Power Multiple heats allude to your family and friends being forced to maintain the public vote for a jillion weeks right up until the day of The Final. A few ways of encouraging them to travel to future heats is to offer a free CD with details of a mini bus service printed on the front cover, suggest a birthday celebration or funeral wake to coincide and take place at the next stage of the competition or simply master hypnosis. Even the most hardened supporters will struggle finding enthusiasm for watching the same band five times in a row so an extra incentive is imperative. The Final Battle If you survived all the drama and abuse caused by the outraged moms and dads of bands who got disqualified, didn’t progress further or were too ill to perform for the semi final then you’ve got one last chance to determine whether or not the expense of participating in this Ponzi scheme was actually beneficial and worth the hatred you’ve arguably acquired from every band who didn’t get through; including the ones that didn’t even enter. The last stage of the competition might consist of half a dozen finalists; in some cases only two acts compete against each other. This means that at least half of the crowd is made up of potential misanthropic axe murderers all poised ready to lash out at anyone they don’t think should win. It’s quite common for a triumphant band to be heavily booed when being pronounced as the winner. The Perfect Battle Although highly unorthodox an ideal Battle Of The Bands competition would be more similar in style to the movie Battle Royale. This would require dispatching all participants to a small remote island with weapons scattered around it; all bands could be asked to fight each other to the death so that there can be only one overall winner. Then when all the killing is over and only the surviving band is left alive we can all hypothetically celebrate their talent with a fantastic happy party with balloons. That’s all for now. If you desire a serious career in the music industry then please read this ingenious music column every month. Now scram. Nick JTownsend is the frontman and guitarist for British bandWeak13. An experienced Underground musician and music promoter, film producer, all round good guy & supporter of original music. www.ryansgigguide.com rgg Mar 2020 31