Ryan's Gig Guide - May 2019

own album launch by partying hard having pre- viously made arrangements for a dedicated DJ to showcase their release at a hired venue of their choice (plus receive important feedback from fans throughout the evening and sell them the new CD) they do the following: (1) Become bad salesmen. (2) Misunderstand the occasion. (3) Completely mismanage launch. (4) Headline and selfishly play the longest set in the entire world and make the audience wish for death. How to ruin your own Album Launch First arrange dozens of CD Boxes along a school desk at the back of a venue that you have temporarily acquired and insist on ap- pointing no one to sell the album, collect money, protect from theft and vandalism or promote other merchandise; just wait till the end of the evening and see if anything has changed. Secondly, treat the CD launch like a normal gig and decide to headline it; meaning that approximately three other bands will play first and their main purpose is to completely stress out the headliner. Your support will ask you many un-album-launch questions relating to set times, sound check, parking or di- rections and equipment sharing plus a reminder that more toilet rolls are needed for the women’s loo.The headline act is expected to be totally in charge of stage management so don’t expect to be treated like a star, you’re more likely to have people staring at you open mouthed in disgust like you’ve just dropped out of a dogs bottom. Next, totally underestimate being responsible for your own event. Managing an Album launch will create unexpected tension for a main act; your band members will speedily transform into sobered up roadies for the supporting art- ists as it will dawn on you last minute the ne- cessity of baby sitting the other bands to avoid anyone overrunning which then ensures that your own time slot isn’t cut short due to the venue curfew. No one at this point will even enquire about the quality of the song writing or the huge production on your album as the CD launch itself will be almost forgotten by every- one because whoever is on stage is far more important than you right now. Finally, after you have apologised to the audience for sound problems and delays then waved goodbye to the support bands (who sadly can’t stay out too late on this particular unimportant oc- casion) comes the highlight of the evening. As headliner you’ll make the colossal mis- take of organising an unnecessarily long extended set list comprising of every song in existence so that loyal fans, friends and family have to wait till after midnight just to speak to you. Many will have gone home early frustrated by the seventh encore or been rushed off to hos- pital due to muscle spasms caused by prolonged standing. Many musicians actually celebrate the achievement of spending months recording an entire album before or after a launch gig has taken place because people attending these events rarely talk about the bloody album. So if you’re thinking of becoming a Rockstar then start today by recklessly spending all your pocket money on a musical instrument that you can’t be certain you’ll ever be able to play well; take a risk, enjoy rock n’ roll and welcome to the cowpat we call the music industry. Nick J Townsend is the frontman and guitarist for British band Weak13. An experienced Under- ground musician and music promoter, film produc- er, all round good guy & supporter of original music. www.ryansgigguide.com rgg May 2019 23