Ryan's Gig Guide - March 2019

non-existent descriptive online content. The solution is always that you should invest more cash on your music career; like paying someone to remind you that not wearing any trousers and underwear in a court of law is frowned upon. Manipulation and how to be a manager Those seeking a career in music management must consider operating somewhat like a hos- tage negotiator; basically persuading an outsid- er to swallow the band point of view and to completely change their stance. First there's active listening and understanding why, for ex- ample, said organisation will never again work with your obnoxious artist because of their homophobic and racist outburst on Twitter. Then showing empathy by acting piggy in the middle, creating a rapport by perhaps joining in and making fun of your spoilt client's tiny ap- pendage so that trust is developed. Influence can be achieved by problem solving with them and recommending a course of action that's beneficial. Finally there's hopefully behavioural change leading ideally to a successful outcome providing who you represent doesn't again be- have like a massive c**t. Function bands and the nostalgia cash cow Gangs of paid musicians stripped of individual creativity are hired for corporate events, wed- dings, army bases, birthday parties and 3-star holiday parks to perform cover songs written by established mainstream artists because pay- ing imposters to help uninvent the popstar with second-hand narcissism is a far more sophisti- cated way of punishing lovers of chart music. Every year the Athena in Leicester holds the National Tribute Music Awards and celebrates some of the largest artificial names in the coun- try, crowning those most recognised for their outstanding achievements or false moustaches by awarding them with a piece of laminated pa- per with the word 'Winner' printed on it; so something like an award but not quite the real thing. Actually I don't think it's even laminated; it just looks like fake paper. Function bands can be a pure replication of a platinum artist (active or dead) or play sets comprising of material from different bands. If you are booked as a tribute then expectations will be high as an audience will automatically presume band members will have the exact same DNA structure, vocal chords, birth marks and tattoos as those they are imitating.The ad- vantage of being a function band is that no ef- fort needs to be made promoting any event you are contracted for as it is the full responsibility of the customer. Tribulation for tributes A disadvantage of being a tribute to any living performer is that whilst the original still has a mouth and pulse they have the power to de- stroy their own reputation at the expense of your music career. For example, when Boy George spent months sentenced behind bars a decade ago you wouldn't expect a Culture Club tribute band to beat a handcuffed male escort and incorporate him in the live set but that's what some people thought at the time when refusing to book one. Lostprophets tributes are unemployed now and the original songs are outlawed by cover artists as a result of the ac- tions of the frontman who was charged with multiple sexual offences against children. No joke there; just solid fact. There is no way to predict future exploits of any mainstream band or artist so basing your business model around one invites an ele- ment of risk; just ask the R. Kelly impersonator booked to perform at the Feminism In Focus Exhibition on International Women's Day to sing all the chapters of the novel Jane Eyre. Of course we could speculate that the real R. Kelly, who for years has been dodging accusations of sexual misconduct, would welcome employing a lookalike and pay them handsomely to take his place in the spotlight for any looming un- wanted public appearances such as corporate events, press conferences, photo opportunities, world tours and court hearings. So pick up your guitar today and immerse your- self in the wonderful magic of the incredibly transparent music industry. If you agree with any of the issues raised or are offended by any of the content then please tweet or message your thoughts to my inbox today; I look for- ward to deleting them.Ta Ta. Nick J Townsend is the frontman and guitarist for British band Weak13. An experienced Under- ground musician and music promoter, film produc- er, all round good guy & supporter of original music. www.ryansgigguide.com rgg Mar 2019 23