Ryan's Gig Guide - June 2019

Band Meeting A gathering usually arranged by the band founder to either instigate the sacking of a fellow member or an attempt to prompt and encourage commitment, financial investment and enthusiasm. Not attending a band meeting may highlight any concerns raised about com- mitment. Popular locations for band meetings are car parks, beer gardens, the drummer’s girl- friend’s parents house or in a maternity hospi- tal waiting room. A thorough meeting can take up to two hours and all issues are traditionally addressed during the final five minutes. HowTo SackA Band Member There’s never really been a clear non hurt- ful way to terminate your relationship with a current band member and help sabotage their music career but here are some significant sug- gestions. (1) Text Message Texting an eighteen paragraph essay is the cold- est most fashionable way to fire a musician. Not only does it ensure you carefully explain the reasoning behind the dismissal in one highly de- tailed death note but it also, despite the illusion of upfront honesty, demonstrates incredible cowardice. (2) Blackout Avoiding all contact is a tactic sometimes adopted by analytical musicians claiming to despise confrontation. Maintaining separation could entail not answering the phone again, re- locating to a different rehearsal room, town or country or creating a new identity by changing the band name like you’re on a witness protec- tion scheme. (3) Unavailability Bands containing several members face the di- lemma of guaranteeing everyone’s availability for any proposed date. A sneaky band leader might choose the most inconvenient and in- considerate times possible to rehearse for a gig in order to deliberately invent problems for a particular member they want thrown out. Ba- sically, if they can’t attend rehearsals then the band is pressured to consider a replacement without appearing hostile or looking evil; it’s just business. (4) Addiction Necking a full bottle of Jack Daniels to calm your nerves before every soundcheck can be the lifeline a band needs to boot you out pro- viding the National Drunk Drummer Helpline isn’t engaged. If you are in charge of giving the marching orders then being intoxicated your- self and firing someone isn’t clever either as you might get rid of the wrong person or sack yourself. Bands with a strict no drugs policy have legit grounds to dismiss members, espe- cially if they’ve got a syringe sticking out of their neck during a charity gig or have sold the tour bus for weed. (5) Sex, Family & Relationships Historically, girlfriends or boyfriends have evoked many band breakups or sackings. Squabbling with the partner of a band mate is guaranteed to spawn division. Alternatively, becoming too friendly or violating them romantically in a pub toilet can also trigger a desired civil war. Some musicians use their new-born baby as a makeshift human shield to justify retirement from a band whilst other parent musicians nervously pray that important gigs don’t clash with Christenings, Birthdays, School Holidays, Good Fri- day, Fridays, New Years Eve or weekends. Demonising or firing someone for raising a family is like whipping actor Morgan Freeman in a shop window and expecting peace. (6) Before, During or After a Gig The equivalent to throwing a boomerang made out of shit. Using any venue as the location for a sacking is dangerous as it’s potentially filled with psychopaths related to the musician seen at fault.They could refuse to play the show, sab- otage it, voice their opinion on a microphone or livestream themselves pissing on you during a guitar solo. If you require a spectacle then this is your best choice. (7) Mutiny If a band leader or founder is seen by his or her entire group as unbearable to work with then it breeds insubordination which means a potential mutiny. The Domino Effect is one of the deadliest ways for this to happen. Music Industry Explained [Part 5] By Nick J.Townsend Example ofThe Domino Effect [Day 1] First a rebellious member of a five piece band selects a day to have a confidential chat with the band leader and reveal they’re considering leaving the group for good. Leader then attempts to call other members only to discover that none respond back. [Day 2] The band founder receives a phone call from another member who explains that things just won’t be the same after news of yester- day’s departure which somehow they already seem to know about; so they too have decided to walk away (meanwhile the rest of the group remain offline or unavailable for comment). [Day 3] After unsuccessfully using Professor Charles Xavier’s Cerebro Helmet and a bat signal in a desperate effort to contact the re- maining crew to report that two members have quit (whilst simultaneously hammering out a positive online PR campaign on the near- est keyboard to advertise that all is well in the band), eventually another rat finally messages you back to abandon ship. It then becomes blatantly obvious that your entire band had a meeting without you and agreed to leave one day at a time. [Conclusion] The logic behind this deceitful be- haviour is to kick off a brand new band under a different name containing all the exact same players minus the founder of the original band. Providing they haven’t just ejected the main songwriter in the process then their future in music should be terrific. So if you fancy a long-term career in the music industry and enjoy networking with like-mind- ed people or walking on tightropes then form or join a band today and revel in the wonders of rock ‘n’ roll. Nick J Townsend is the frontman and guitarist for British band Weak13. An experienced Under- ground musician and music promoter, film produc- er, all round good guy & supporter of original music. www.ryansgigguide.com rgg Jun 2019 23 www.ryansgigguide.com 22 rgg Jun 2019