Ryan's Gig Guide - February 2019

take years to become a large name as it requires patience, DIY investment and time to grow strong whilst corporate music industry profes- sionals are preoccupied preventing their empire from crumbling like a leper tied to a vibrating cushion.Times are hard for the big players and they can't take risks any longer; look at recent national advertising campaigns for George Ezra, one man holding a guitar; nothing complicated, minimalistic and very simple to sell to the brain- washed public; like a more attractive looking up- grade of their last gormless mediocrity mascot Ed Sheeran but less like an orangeYorkshireTer- rier with cum on its face. Compromise and dignity Every year swarms of bewildered musicians train to become teachers; arguably they've quit attempting to become a giant Rockstar and have desperately clung to education after their Uni- versity gap year to avoid retail / factory work or any real job and fantasise that their music de- gree can be used for something other than a re- minder of their drug addiction every time they use the photo frame it's presented in to roll a massive joint. Not all schools or colleges have work opportuni- ties for reformed alcoholics so instead of pursuing them any further many embrace the exoticism of indepen- dent teaching and immediately bombard Super- market and community notice boards with poorly designed business cards thus transform- ing them into a who's who of home guitar in- structors. Joys of teaching music The reality of fierce competition and the rami- fications of frequently educating younger people the skills required to understand how to ex- pertly play an instrument become apparent if you calculate how a virus rapidly spreads or watch the movie Invasion Of The Body Snatchers.With your students enthusiastically replicating your unique techniques you've inad- vertently manufactured an army of subor- dinate naïve clones of yourself who'll all eventually begin their own rival music tuition schools because they too need cash - poten- tially driving you out of business. Especially if they upload everything you've taught them as content for their YouTube channel; anyway they'll probably get bored after a month of pro- ducing regular tutorials and instead will concen- trate on making videos exposing what a complete rip-off merchant you are and punish you for all eternity for ruining their dreams of stardom. It then dawns on you that you've be- come a total prostitute for the music industry so you join a function band. So pick up your guitar today, save your pennies, work hard and enjoy the fruits of rock and roll. Nick J Townsend is the frontman and guitarist for British bandWeak13. An experienced Under- ground musician and music promoter, film pro- ducer, all round good guy & supporter of original music. rgg Feb 2019 17 www.ryansgigguide.com