Ryan's Gig Guide - April 2019

Terminal shows I’m coining the term ‘Airport terminal gig’; when a venue resembles an airport terminal with bands arriving and departing with cargo whilst an act is still performing on stage. This spectacle is most noticeable when the headline band providing the back line are situated at the back of a near empty room with their arms folded like baggage handlers greeting bands boarding and cursing bands disembarking early whilst a line of other support act drummers form an orderly queue to the stage assembling their cymbal stands like their waiting to go on holiday. Supporting a headlining band The main billed act after a soundcheck nor- mally have their 340 piece drum kit completely surrounded by overhead mics, monitors and covert CIA listening devices in order to some- how detect sound from the loudest acoustic in- strument in the building.When the drummer of the supporting band arrives asking where they can dump their cymbal stands and breakables the sound engineer knowingly points at the al- ready set up kit and says “Assemble your drums in front of the main kit”. Meaning two kits will be on stage during the gig; creating later the inevitable thirty minute spectacle of what looks like a baby drummer sandwiched between an empty super kit and the tiny space allocated for the vocalist trying to avoid tumbling off the edge or looking like a twat. Sound engineers and the wall of sound Smart sound engineers calculate during a sound check that if five bands are performing on the same night then setting up a single bass ampli- fier and persuading players to share it is the most practical approach for managing the back- line for a three hour event.This combined with bands each having two guitarists avoids a small stage resembling the back room of Cash Con- vertors or a Laney testing facility with fifteen speakers bending health and safety regulations all pilled up on top of each other in possibly the most reckless game of kerplunk ever conceived and looking more like an art installation for a protest against the one minute of silence. Blackmail and sharing equipment at gigs Equipment sharing between support bands traditionally begins with a Mexican standoff. Threats are voiced such as “If we can’t use your drum kit then your guitarist can’t use our Mar- shal 4x12” or “We’re not unloading our gear from the van until your band agrees to go on first instead of us” followed by “Fine, if we’re opening then after our set we’ll take home our fifty fans and Marshal 4x12 and then you can play air guitar to an empty venue”. Eventually the sound guy steps in to remind all “Doors are opening in fifteen minutes and then sound- check is over”. The headline band is already sound checked so it’s less work for a sound engineer if none of you play and if your band logo isn’t on the poster then they won’t get too upset. Backstage An area resembling either a chicken coop or the set from the BBC television series ‘Life On Mars’ mainly designated for the major perform- ers of the night to allow them time to learn song lyrics, brush up on Minecraft, carve their band name into walls and hide from family, fans or snipers. Most dressing rooms are equipped with a small beige refrigerator, an authentic Chesterfield sofa without cushions, a mirror that reflects pure evil, a hairy butter knife clev- erly disguised as a hairy butter knife and a small hand towel that looks like it was last pissed on by Jefferson Airplane. Of course if you happen to be a supporting artist then unless you’ve paid for the privilege of sheer comfort before a show then it’s highly anticipated you’ll be asked to wait elsewhere as your band looks like the cast of the movie The Purge. Soundcheck lottery No support band ever wants to go on first but Music Industry Explained [Part 3] By Nick J.Townsend www.ryansgigguide.com 22 rgg Apr 2019