Ryan's Gig Guide - June 2018

Welcome to my first ever B*st*rds in Music Awards (BMA's or simplyThe B*st*rds). Con- ceived after many days of dreaming about it, the B*st*rds in Music Awards is a vehicle to bring together diabolical musicians and grotesque people who claim to work in the music industry. Best B*st*rd Musician So many entries for this one; it was almost impossible to decide on a single winner but thankfully we did and it's Rihanna. Siri on my computer has a more human-like singing voice than this complete and utter gob sh*t* of a musician but the reason she wins this award hands down is for teaching seven year old kids how to sing about sex.What a B*st*rd. Best B*st*rd Gig Reviewer I see no point in reading about what I've missed which is why I don't write gig reviews. Gig reviewers aren't always the most honest of writers; when did you ever read "I was the only one attending this event"? Normally it's a self reflective self destructive endurance essay summarizing how many tequilas the reviewer can swallow before passing out in the local vegan kebab shop after the show and if you're lucky they might mention the band they saw somewhere. So this award goes to all b*st*rd gig reviewers who write as if they're scribbling an entry into a self harm- ing diary.A toast to those unappreciated B*st*rds of music journalism. Best B*st*rd Spotify Playlist curator There are actual real humans out there earning cash in music for their incredible advice on curating Spotify playlists.This award goes out to anyone boasting on social media about their incredible life saving career or their talent for hearing songs they like from dif- ferent bands and putting them into some kind of de- lightful order; or what people referred to in the seventies as - making a mix tape.The very lowest in the food chain in regards to music industry person- nel.Those damn influential B*st*rds. Best B*st*rd Band It takes something pretty impressive to destroy Coronation Street but Status Quo successfully cru- cified it.As the band continued to age over the years they managed to make blue denim jeans look unfash- ionable and seem about as glamorous as wearing a pair of Jimmy Savile's trousers. However the main rea- son Quo deserve this award is for ruining every birthday party in existence with their onslaught of lacklustre B*st*rd karaoke hits sung with about as much conviction as the prosecution team for the Led Zeppelin plagiarism law suit. I don't care how incred- ible Quo were in the Seventies; they're ruining birth- days all over the world for little B*st*rds everywhere. Best B*st*rd Music Awards This is awarded to any music award ceremony whose winners are determined by them being related to their sponsors and their six-toed family members or elitist backers. I am also including myself in this as I haven't given anyone a fair chance to be nominated or even advertised a credible public voting system. I've just decided for you all because I know what's best and I'm a total B*st*rd. Best B*st*rd MusicTelevision Show Any television show allegedly claiming to be broad- casting something music related on a Saturday night deserves this award.The live music scene owes ITV and the BBC for the resurgence of folks going out every weekend to watch live music in order to es- cape the horrific Saturday Night Karaoke Slaughter- house farting out of the television set. The winning contestants of these competitive shows seem to dis- appear from history after a televised victory as if they've been placed on a witness protection program. So this goes out to all the b*st*rd TV executives for giving the damning green light to all these uninspiring shows that are nothing really to do with music at all; what a bunch of B*st*rds. Best B*st*rd album U2 win this with "Songs Of Innocence" simply be- cause I am sick to death of my iPhone deciding to play "Every Breaking Wave" off the only album I was forced, repeat forced, to download from iTunes at in- convenient times; which is every time the b*st*rd is played. How the hell do you remove it? I've tried ev- erything and I can't get rid of it. I've asked Apple's voice assistant Siri to send it to Bono with the biggest middle finger ever and she normally replies with "I'll give it a try, although I'd rather tell you if it's raining out". I've tried an exorcist; shouting at it; nothing works so the award for Best B*st*rd album goes to U2 for giving me and a billion other iPhone users four years of sheer hell. B*st*rds! That's all for this year. Commiserations to all the B*st*rds who weren't nominated this year and con- gratulations again to all my B*st*rd winners and for all the opportunities that presented themselves to everyone. See you next year. Nick J Townsend presents: The B * st * rds in Music Awards. N i c k J To w n s e n d i s t h e f r o n t m a n a n d g u i t a r i s t f o r B r i t i s h b a n d We a k 1 3 . A n e x p e r i e n c e d U n d e r- g r o u n d m u s i c i a n a n d m u s i c p r o m o t e r, f i l m p r o d u c e r a n d a l l r o u n d g o o d g u y. S u p p o r t e r o f o r i g i n a l m u s i c . www.ryansgigguide.com 12 rgg June 2018