Ryan's Gig Guide - February 2018

r gg Feb 2018 - p.8 WWW. R YA N S G I G G U I D E . C OM To mark my 10 year anniver- sary of writing for RGG magazine I thought that this particular month we should delve deep into the crazy world of fan demanding bands. So here's my top seven list of things people find irritating about live shows and the gor- geous selfless beautiful rock stars out there who perform them.When you actually think about it logically,most musicians are unsocia- ble as hell, as depressing as a mouth ulcer and probably the worst type of humans really to book for a social occasion or event. Often they nurse their backsides back stage like mis- erable masturbating ogres demanding fruit and avoid contact with the general public until their cue to bounce onto the stage like a heroin addict on vacation in New Mexico. Plus there's all that extra stress of generating affection from complete strangers so they're convinced they have talent.Welcome to your world. TALKING THROUGHOUT AN INTIMATE ACOUSTIC PERFORMANCE I don't want to hear about your obnoxious mundane pointless life when I'm concentrat- ing on watching an acoustic artist play a tune live; especially when you're louder than the act. It's exactly the same as you ringing a hot phone sex line in the middle of a funeral ser- vice; everybody around you feels like a hostage and has to put up with listening to you share your mediocre observations with us during a totally inappropriate time. It's not all about you. BANDS WHO DEMAND YOU COME TO THE FRONT OF THE STAGE WHEN THE VENUE IS COMPLETLY EMPTY Many musicians have suffered that humiliat- ing midweek gig with hardly anyone in the room and as much as I sarcastically sympa- thise with bands, who have the misfortune of being crap at promoting their own shows, there's no reason to make life a sheer living misery for those who bothered to attend. Why the heck, when the room is virtually empty, would I want to damage my valuable ears and stand closer to the powerful PA sys- tem which is situated in front of the band? Have you ever wondered why those morons you've dragged to the stage railing have that weird painful expression etched on their faces whist you sing at them? It's because they are stupid enough to listen to you and out of ex- treme politeness are watching you from a ridiculous unsafe distance in order to mas- sage your inflated ego. SINGERSWHOTALKWAYTOO LONG IN- BETWEN SONGS Although this can be quite annoying it's also the attitude of the vocalist who refuses to fathom out why attendees sometimes take this opportunity to walk to the bar area to grab a drink, socialise with friends or even venture to the toilet.Those who move away from the main floor during a live perfor- mance sometimes have this guilt trip thrown upon them by the singer that they are noth- ing more than a bag of spanners unless they observe every single blasted millisecond of the show. My solution is to avoid the toilet, piss yourself where you stand and then slowly lower yourself into the warm pool of urine and lick from the floor if you develop some kind of thirst because that's how important the band are and what the professional singer by Nick J Townsend rgg since 2008 &